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Enter Maria and Clown.
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MARIA. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. [_Exit Maria._]
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CLOWN. Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. Enter Sir Toby and Maria.
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SIR TOBY. Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
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CLOWN. _Bonos dies_, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is’: so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
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SIR TOBY. To him, Sir Topas.
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CLOWN. What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
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SIR TOBY. The knave counterfeits well. A good knave. Malvolio within.
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MALVOLIO. Who calls there?
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CLOWN. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
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MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
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CLOWN. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
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SIR TOBY. Well said, Master Parson.
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MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
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CLOWN. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?
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MALVOLIO. As hell, Sir Topas.
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CLOWN. Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
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MALVOLIO. I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.
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CLOWN. Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
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MALVOLIO. I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
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CLOWN. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
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MALVOLIO. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
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CLOWN. What think’st thou of his opinion?
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MALVOLIO. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
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CLOWN. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
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MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
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SIR TOBY. My most exquisite Sir Topas!
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CLOWN. Nay, I am for all waters.
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MARIA. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not.